Surviving the Borderline Parent Read online

  Publisher’s Note

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  Copyright © 2003 by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  Cover design by Amy Shoup

  Text design by Michele Waters

  All Rights Reserved

  New Harbinger Publications’ Web site address: www.newharbinger.com

  Contents

  Foreword

  v

  Preface

  ix

  Acknowledgments

  xiii

  Introduction

  1

  PART 1

  The Past

  CHAPTER 1 I Never Knew It Had a Name

  9

  CHAPTER 2 All Grown Up

  27

  CHAPTER 3 Grieving a Lost Childhood

  45

  PART 2

  The Present

  CHAPTER 4 Guilt, Responsibility, and

  67

  Forgiveness

  CHAPTER 5 Overcoming Anger and Resentment

  83

  CHAPTER 6 Communicating and Setting Limits

  99

  iv

  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  CHAPTER 7 Reconstructing the Past, Assessing

  119

  the Present

  PART 3

  The Future

  CHAPTER 8 Envisioning Change and Breaking

  143

  Old Habits

  CHAPTER 9 Trust Yourself, Set Boundaries, Build

  157

  Self-Esteem

  CHAPTER 10 Putting It All Together

  175

  References

  183

  Foreword

  Since I began researching and writing Stop Walking on Eggshells in the mid-1990s, I’ve interacted with thousands of people who care about a

  friend or family member with borderline personality disorder, or BPD.

  While all people with a borderline loved one need validation,

  insight, and coping skills, the people closest to my heart have been those who were parented by someone with BPD. If coping with BPD behaviors

  is difficult, being raised by someone with an uncontrolled, unacknowl-

  edged, or untreated pervasive personality disorder can be emotionally

  devastating.

  Again and again, children of parents with BPD say the same things:

  “I wonder what it would be like to feel ‘normal.’”

  “It makes me feel uncomfortable when people treat me well, but I’m

  not sure why.”

  “When I see a parent soothing a child in a loving way, I feel like

  crying.”

  “People always end up hurting me, just when I’ve made myself vul-

  nerable to them.”

  “I feel like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I would put myself together,

  but I don’t know what piece fits where and I have no idea what the

  whole picture looks like.”

  “I feel physically sick when the phone rings and I think it may be my

  borderline parent.”

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  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  “When I allow myself to really feel, I find myself wondering what’s

  wrong with me?”

  If the previous statements sound familiar, your parent or guardian

  may have BPD. If so, what you’re feeling is a normal reaction. You’re not alone—millions of people just like you are coping with a less-than-ideal

  childhood and struggling to become the person they were meant to be.

  Unlike you, however, they probably don’t have a name for what

  they experienced growing up. Thanks to this book, you do. That knowl-

  edge gives you the power to understand why your parent acted the way he

  or she did, how it affected you, and how to now become the person you

  really want to be.

  Borderline personality disorder is not an easy condition to describe.

  In Stop Walking on Eggshells, my coauthor Paul Mason and I take two chapters to describe BPD: one to give the formal definition and one to

  explain how it unfolds in the real world.

  To complicate matters, people with BPD experience the disorder in

  different ways. Some of them make excellent parents. Others do not. Since you’re reading this book, it’s likely that your borderline parent:

  7 was so intent on getting her own needs met that she couldn’t take

  care of yours—or perhaps even differentiate her needs from yours

  7 looked to you to provide him with unconditional love rather than

  the other way around

  7 either emotionally abandoned you or smothered and controlled

  you, leading to feelings of worthlessness, shame, and rage

  7 made you feel that she only loved you for what you could

  achieve, not who you were

  7 had unpredictable moods, alternating between loving and cruel

  words and actions.

  With the help of this book, you’ll be able to really see what hap-

  pened to you, how it affected you then, and how it continues to affect you now, even if you no longer interact with your parent by choice or because your parent has passed away.

  You’ll gain insight into why you don’t feel normal—because our cul-

  ture promotes the idea of unconditional parental love, and the love you

  received seemed to be inconsistent and conditional.

  You’ll be able to understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable

  when people treat you well—because you’ve learned that it will be fol-

  lowed, sooner or later, by disappointment and betrayal.

  Foreword

  vii

  You’ll now know why you cry when you see a parent soothing a

  child in a loving way—because it reminds you of the love you felt like you never received and perhaps felt you were not worthy enough to receive.

  You’ll realize why you believe that people always hurt you in the

  end—because that’s what you’ve come to expect. It becomes a certainty in

  an uncertain world, leading to a kind of dysfunctional comfort in which

  the pain you know is preferable to the unknown, even if the unknown is supposed to be better.

  And finally, you’ll gain insight into why you don’t know who you

  really are—because you may have served as the container for your parent’s pain, rage, and projections. You keep going back to the parent to get the love you so desperately need, only to feel betrayed when your impossible

  expectations are dashed once more.

  Whatever your age, it’s never too late to get off the emotional roller

  coaster. With the help of an understanding clinician and this book, you

  can piece together what happened to you, understand the choices you’ve

  made so far, and determine where you want to go from here. Who do you

  want to be? Can you finally accept that you can’t get much of what you

  need from your parent, and learn how to give it to yourself or get it from others?

  It’s risky to try. But it’s
just as risky to leave things the way they are.

  You won’t be alone on this journey. Rest assured that others have taken the trip, and they’ve found the destination worth it. You will too.

  —Randi Kreger

  Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells

  Author, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook

  Owner of the Welcome to Oz Internet Support Groups

  Owner of BPD Central at www.BPDCentral.com

  Board of Directors, Personality Disorders Awareness Network

  Preface

  You may be picking up this book out of curiosity or interest because you

  have a parent or relative who is “difficult.” So difficult that at times, it may feel like you’re walking on eggshells—or even worse, on land mines

  that might explode at any time. So difficult that at times it may feel like this person is almost impossible to please or to understand, to tolerate or to love, but also incredibly difficult to walk away from. And having a parent like this very likely has had an impact on how you feel about yourself.

  Everyone can be difficult at times. Don’t confuse that with the label

  of “difficult” that is often applied to a condition known in the field of psychology and psychiatry as borderline personality disorder, or BPD.

  Many therapy clients Freda Friedman has worked with over the past

  twenty years have been termed “difficult” in all sorts of ways by their children, spouses, friends, coworkers, and even their therapists. People with this disorder, or even with just some of the symptoms, can be charming,

  brilliant, creative, empathic, delightful, and, yes, difficult. They can also be highly sensitive, have difficulty understanding their feelings, and possess few skills to manage their emotions. This may, in turn, cause them to use a variety of defensive strategies in order to feel better, strategies that to others may make them seem, well, difficult.

  The impact of these symptoms on the person who has them is often

  enormous and challenging, as it is for family and friends as well. Unfortunately, though there have been numerous books and articles published and

  conferences held about BPD in recent years, few have addressed the par-

  ticular issues faced by children of a parent with borderline personality disorder. This book speaks to the large numbers of people whose parents

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  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  have diagnosed or undiagnosed symptoms that fall along the BPD

  spectrum.

  As you read this book, many of the discussions and examples will

  jump out at you and sound eerily familiar. There will probably also be sections of this book that don’t ring quite true for you. That doesn’t mean

  this book isn’t for you. What it means is that BPD presents itself in many different ways at different times under different circumstances. What it

  means is that people with BPD may behave, particularly with loved ones,

  in ways that often are variable and confusing. That’s part of the problem for everyone involved—there’s no straight path for parent, adult child, or anyone else involved in the problems associated with BPD.

  Although the experience of having a parent with this disorder or its

  symptoms is intensely personal, there are some fairly typical stages adult children will likely go through as they start to understand their circumstances and reactions; these stages include denial, despair, anger, acceptance, and hopefully, some sense of resolution. But they certainly don’t

  move in a linear way. Your emotions may seesaw; overwhelming feelings

  may pass and then return. Just when you think you’re “over it,” some

  image, comment, or interaction may send you back into emotional tur-

  moil. It’s like rock scrambling in the rain: one step forward, sometimes

  half a step—or two—back. It’s a journey that may last a long time and,

  even then, never really seem to end. It often helps adult children to know that they aren’t alone in their confusion, frustration, or pain, and that things can improve as you cope, learn, and continue to grow.

  It’s sometimes hard to be compassionate and optimistic about the

  possibility of change. It’s important though, as you’re reading this book, to set realistic goals for yourself, keep an open mind, avoid always-or-never ways of thinking, and be patient with yourself.

  We’ve included insights from numerous sources in this book, includ-

  ing Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., who pioneered the development of dialectical

  behavioral therapy (DBT), a well-recognized and commonly used method

  of cognitive therapy for the treatment of BPD. It’s an approach to treat-

  ment that Freda (along with thousands of other clinicians) has found

  extremely helpful and effective in her work with patients and their fami-

  lies. We’ve also developed much original material to provide you with a

  range of techniques and tools to practice and to think about.

  The process of writing this book was a collaborative one. Kimberlee,

  a writer, conceived of the idea, conducted interviews with clinicians and adult children of parents with BPD symptoms, and composed much of the

  text. Freda served as clinical advisor, contributing her professional knowledge as well as several sections of the book, all based on her years of

  Preface

  xi

  therapeutic practice with those showing BPD traits and their family mem-

  bers. At times we interpreted the material in different ways, and so we

  tried to present the multiple facets of the picture to readers—not an easy thing to do when the feelings and beliefs of everyone involved are quite

  strong and, at times, seemingly at odds. That said, the book is written

  from the perspective of grown children of challenging parents. Parents

  themselves were not interviewed, but their perspective is generally

  reflected in Freda’s insights based on her clinical work.

  In some of the cases we came across, BPD was formally diagnosed in

  the parent by a clinician. In other cases, the adult child, and/or his or her therapist, strongly suspect BPD is or was involved. It’s critically important that, as you read this book, you not “diagnose” someone who you believe

  has BPD. You may read and realize that the symptoms and circumstances

  we describe fit your parent and your situation very closely (and so we

  expect that the tools contained herein will prove helpful to you). How-

  ever, diagnosis of the disorder per se must be left to a qualified professional; the experiences related by those interviewed are by no means

  exclusive to BPD. They occur in many, many families, including those

  with a parent—or parents—who is depressed, anxious, traumatized,

  alcohol- or substance-abusing, or who suffers from another personality

  disorder or mental illness.

  So why did we write a book specifically about the potential effects

  of BPD on adult children? Because even with the stigma attached to the

  other mental health issues just listed, there seems to be more recognition of them by professionals and therefore more treatment, at least at this

  point in time. And with recognition and treatment come an “explanation”

  that makes it somewhat easier for loved ones to face the associated

  problems.

  With best wishes for the challenges, changes, and rewards that lie

  ahead.

  Acknowledgments

  There are dozens of names missing from the cover of this book, names of

  those who contributed in tremendous ways—this could not have been

  done without them. Scott Edelstein, my agent, shared his energy, talent,

  sensitivity, and an uncanny knack for knowing precisel
y when to leave

  encouraging voicemail messages. He is a true gift to an author. I am

  indebted to Freda for helping me take an idea, inspired by a newspaper

  article that I wrote about BPD, and turn it into the book you’re holding.

  She saw my (rough) vision and, right from the start, made valuable suggestions, offered constructive yet gentle critiques, and shared her professional experience, always with passion and compassion (I know, I know, always is rarely true, but in this case it is!). She’s been an inspiring mentor, a willing therapist-on-call, and has come to be a close friend. Randi blazed a

  trail and has made life immeasurably easier for those that follow.

  Bethanne, Kellye, Debbie, Barbara, and Steve provided never-ending and

  unconditional support and friendship. Louise, keen insight; Running Man,

  a listening ear and enthusiastic fanning of writing aspirations that day on the beach; my parents, each in their own ways and times, encouragement

  to put pen to paper. Finally, without all of those who shared their time, their knowledge, and their personal stories with a virtual stranger in order to help others, this book would—could—not be. Thank you. Thank you.

  Thank you.

  —K.R.

  xiv

  Surviving a Borderline Parent

  First, to Kim, my coauthor, who has been a wonderful inspiration and an

  ideal mixture of diligence, humor, and compassion. To my teachers, men-

  tors, supervisors, and many colleagues, especially at New York Hospital-

  Cornell Medical School and at The Phoenix Institute, a big thank-you for

  giving me lessons in caring, compassion, and the highest standards of professionalism in this work that has come to mean so much to me. To my

  DBT colleagues everywhere, especially Drs. Marsha Linehan, Cindy San-

  derson, and Charlie Swenson, a huge debt of gratitude for inspiring me

  and teaching me the dialectics of life. And most of all, to my clients in New York and Chicago, the biggest note of gratitude and appreciation for

  sharing with me your struggles, showing me what courage really means

  and for all your hope, perseverance, and willingness to take the hard road to growth. And, lastly, my thanks and appreciation to Harvey for his

  never-ending feedback, ideas, encouragement, and computer skills.

  —F.F.

  Introduction

  As a child, did you feel like you fell short, disappointing a parent, stepparent, or caretaker because you weren’t good enough, didn’t do enough, or